April 1st, 2012
12:07am
For some reason, I feel as though I just told my family goodbye for the last time... My uncle pulled me aside after dinner to tell me that he did not have a good feeling about the trip. Of course, he know it was pointless to tell me not to go [like it was pointless for me to tell him not to worry], but wanted to voice his opinion... I could see the concern in his eyes... such a look, a deep concern, which I'd never seen pointed in my direction before...
"You shouldn't go..." a friend says, after recounting the story.
"Oh I absolutely should go," I say, "I know it, Jade knows it, mom knows it, and he knows it... Congo will shape the rest of my life, one way or the other."
"I know it too..." he says, "Death comes to all of us. Why should you not follow your dream because of fear? If you die, die well."
This week has been a strange one... nightmares have disrupted my sleeping pattern, hunger has weakened & humbled me, and an overwhelming looming feeling that I don't even know how to begin to describe... subconsciously, my mindset has shifted to that of a person who has been told that they have only a month to live... I am at peace at the thought of death- I welcome it even... but this new perspective is the strangest feeling I've ever known... subconsciously, I think, "If I die, what would I want this person to know? Who would I want to leave my books, journals, paintings..."
When I try to look ahead to the months after Congo, it is blank, void... I've been attempting to process all these things, and I have come to the conclusion that it is one of two things: either I will die in Congo [for whatever greater purpose], with which I am completely at peace with (although the least likely), OR my entire future hinges on my time in Congo, and that is the reason I am unable to see or plan past Congo... it will not be a physical death, but a death to self, to whatever bigger work God has for me to do in the future, to everything I've ever known...
Looking back, I can see that the past has prepared me for & built up to this moment, and my future depends on it... I will go forward, fearless of what is to come, yet knowing full well the dangers and uncertainty that lies ahead.
______________________________________________________________ April 2nd, 2012
How do you prepare for the unknown? I feel everything... I hadn't let myself get my hopes up too early, as I know all too well that anything can happen, and something might cause us not to be able to go... Then I looked up one day, and we were two and a half weeks away from the day we leave!
Plane tickets are booked & paid for, visas obtained, and despite cholera outbreaks, grenades, and outbreaks of violence, we have the green light to go.
I think it started sinking in last week when I started having vivid dreams of the boys, and of Kony... then the visas arrived two days ago... that is when it hit me and everything suddenly became very real... then last night, where my uncle gave me strong warnings, and my mom told me that no matter what happens, she knows Congo is where I am supposed to be, and confirming that talking everything through with my brother to prepare him for anything would indeed be wise... us both choking back tears as we said goodbye... then worshiping with my church family this morning in reckless abandonment, with so many emotions going through my mind, and that looming feeling that something huge is about to take place... so much to process in just a short period of time.
I was forever changed after spending a week in Haiti two years ago, and I'd had not a clue what I was getting myself into, and was in a very safe environment with the group I went with. That trip just kinda happened... though I am sure that it was a huge part in preparing me for this trip, which will be an entirely different experience. I feel that my life has up to this point has been building up to this moment in time. I very much know the context into which I am about to find myself, and at the same time know that I will never be fully prepared for what I am about to experience, or the things I am about to see [regardless of how much I tell myself or my family that I am]...
I know how difficult it was for me to come back from Haiti, though I was forced to quickly jump into the role of camp counselor the day after I got back to the states and had little time to process what I had just experienced... I imagine this will be infinitely magnified, as I have been waiting, praying, and preparing for this opportunity for years, and have dedicated myself for so long to these children...
I cannot wait to learn what they have to teach me, and hope that I can in some small way bless them... I cannot wait to put names to faces and look into their beautiful eyes and hear how God has blessed them through their heartaches and pains... I cannot wait to bring their stories back and to bring their voices here through art & writing... I cannot wait to see what the blank slate that is after Congo brings...
God,
your will
for my life...
teach me
& develop me
how you will
and
use me
for your glory.
_________________________________________________________ April 3rd, 2012
I cannot even begin to recount all the ways
God has provided for and blessed me in the past few weeks...
I've gone from picking through rotten fruit
to find something to fill my belly with,
to an overabundance of food given me by friends and family...
from being unsure how I was going to be able to pay my bills
on time,
to having just enough, just in time...
from being unsure where the remaining funds for my trip
would come from,
to having all of it covered by an anonymous donor...
when I got word of this,
I immediately broke down & wept uncontrollably...
tears of gratitude, of humility, and of joy...
God always provides,
there has never been any doubt of that
in my mind, but sometimes
I feel like He is just straight showing off.
Tonight, I am overcome
by His provision through His people.
I am emotionally exhausted,
but in such a sweet, wonderful way.
He has never failed me,
and continues to carry me, teach me,
and mold me...
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