advancing

12/30/12

12:45am

the tears

    reassure me

that my heart 
   
       is still made of 

flesh & blood

   rather than

ice & stone... 


   that I'm not 

       running away


but rather

        running towards

        something

   greater. 

nightmares

   standing in a wooden enclosure
         surrounded by little 
     smiling faces
                &
              hands grasping for mine.. 

 I recognize a few
       from the last time 
my feet tread upon 
          this lava rock ridden
               land... 

   the familiar colors catching 
my eyes
       between the cracks 
    in the walls... 

   the sounds of motorbikes, horns,
           women chatting at the 
      market, 
         and young children crying
drift in and fill my ears 
            from down the street...

     I squeeze the hand 
           of a little girl
 and stare into those 
    beautiful brown 
   eyes
before I walk through 
      the room... 

  I come to another 
       room,  
           crowded from  
    wall to wall
          with people... 

As I sit amongst the crowd, 
      I realize 
  something is very wrong... 

         men with guns 
are taking people at random
     out of the room, 
                never to be seen 
  again... 

           Outside once more
                    I am running

through the streets
       filled with holes, 
animals, 
     and crowds of people... 



   running, 
          running,  
               running... 



someone grabs me from 
            behind

   I let out a gasp
             before 
I recognize the face 
    very much out of 
                    context...

 we embrace
     & the newcomer 
joins me 

     as we set out 
           again



   running, 
       running,
    running... 




 I am the first
         to reach the center... 

I greet a very young 
      boy 
        standing outside

before I run 
      through the door...


  I immediately halt
        as I take 
in the scene.. 

        the boys hang by 
                ropes
    from the rafters 
        they built 
            with their own hands... 

  I run out of the room, 
         fighting the violent urge
     to retch, 

           tears streaming down 
      my face, 

         my eyes betraying 
                       my state of shock... 

  Again I am 
  


     running, 
              running, 
        running... 



I awake, 
   
   covered in sweat...

 a single tear 
          falls down  
    my cheek.





  

    

Seeing with my heart...

the backseat of my car
     reflects the state
               of my mind-

    a cluttered mess

 in need of an intervention,

   a vacuum
         and a trash bag

to remove the junk,
         the chaos of my
               thoughts

far from my skull

       which has proven
 reluctant

     to allow all the
        unnecessary thoughts
    that
preoccupy and clutter
     my mind

  to pass through
           its confines

   and clear my head...


     It has become
          increasingly difficult

to just sit & be,

    to see
       with my heart
              & soul

rather than
     my eyes
           & my mind...

    to rid my mind
        of the expectations,

   the "supposed to's"
                         &
       the "should's",

and let my free spirit
     be my guide,
  
       my heart be
my compass,

& my soul be
             my song...


    I must break through
       the cage that is
my mind,

         for my very
                life,

    the flame burning
        in my chest,

     depends on
        &
        demands it.

Learning from my 18 yr. old self...

Last night I was organizing some of my stuff that had been in boxes for months. I probably have 50 notebooks and folders that I've written and doodled in over the years. I felt like I'd come across a
time capsule.

I came across a notebook that I had written a note in the first couple months of my freshmen year of college. As I read through it, my 18 year old self inspired me and reminded me of what I truly value at my core.


    "I have so much dwelling deep inside of me. So 
many ideas, so many passions that I feel like I 
might explode! There are so many directions I want to 
go in, so many places I want to see, so many cultures 
I want to experience, so many needs I want to fill! 
What am I going to do with my life? I haven't a clue... 
I want to see people come together... I want to 
see true community, people loving each other, helping 
each other, living life together... living peaceably 
with all... working to better our environment and 
our world... spreading Christ's love to those who 
will accept it. I'm going crazy trying to figure 
out this whole life thing! I refuse to fade into the 
background, to settle for the ordinary, the mundane... 
I refuse to ignore this sense of purpose screaming 
inside of me. I want to make a difference in my 
world, here, close to home, and far, far away. I want 
to show people the beauty of life, how beautiful 
our world is, how beautiful people really are... how each 
person has something unique to share, to contribute to the 
world. If only people would realize this, our world 
would be transformed. 
So what now??" 

  This is just one of many notes that I found that capture snippets of the growth I've
experienced over the years. It caused me to start reflecting on the different stages/times
in my life, and all the ways God has carried me through each of them.

I have been reading through the Psalms right now, and this morning I came to Psalm 71:

In you, Lord, I have taken

refuge; 

let me never be put to shame.

In your righteousness, rescue me

and deliver me;

turn your ear to me and save me. 

Be my rock of refuge,

to which I can always go;

give the command to save me,

for you are my rock and my fortress.

Deliver me, my God, from the 

hand of the wicked,

from the grasp of those who are

evil and cruel.

For you have been my hope, 

Sovereign Lord, 

my confidence since my youth. 

From birth I have relied on you;

you brought me forth from my 

mother's womb.

I will ever praise you. 

I have become a sign to many; 

you are my strong refuge.

My mouth is filled with your

praise,

declaring your splendor all day 

long.

Do not cast me away when I am 

old;

do not forsake me when my

strength is gone.

For my enemies speak against

me;

those who wait to kill me

conspire together.

They say, "God has forsaken

him;

pursue him and seize him,

for no one will rescue him."

Do not be far from me, my God;

come quickly, God, to help me.

May my accusers perish in 

shame;

may those who want to harm me

be covered with scorn and

disgrace. 

As for me, I will always have 

hope; 

I will praise you more and more.

My mouth will tell of your 

righteous deeds,

of your saving acts all day long-

though I know not how to relate

them all.

I will come and proclaim your 

mighty acts, Sovereign Lord;

I will proclaim your righteous

deeds, yours alone. 

Since my youth, God, you have

taught me, 

and to this day I declare your

marvelous deeds.

Even when I am old and gray, 

do not forsake me, my God,

till I declare your power to the next

generation, 

your mighty acts to all who are 

to come.

Your righteousness, God,

reaches to the heavens,

you who have done great things.

Who is like you, God?

Though you have made me see

troubles, 

many and bitter,

you will restore my life again;

from the depths of the earth

you will again bring me up.

You will increase my honor

and comfort me once more.

I will praise you with the harp

for your faithfulness, my God;

I will sing praise to you with the 

lyre,

Holy One of Israel.

My lips will shout for joy

when I sing praise to you-

I whom you have delivered.

My tongue will tell of your

righteous acts

all day long,

for those who wanted to harm me

have been put to shame and 

confusion.  

  This Psalm helped me reflect of God's faithfulness, and the fact that no matter where I am in life (physically, mentally, or spiritually), He is right there, on the mountain top as well as the valleys. Like a good Father, He is there to catch us when we fall and will love us no matter how silly we are at times. He is the only constant in our lives, and He is Good, Loving, Merciful, and full of Grace.