Lord,
I need transformation.
Renewal. Rekindling.
New Passion. Discipline.
Forge this vessel into
what You will, in order to
bring You glory.
Amen.
After a long period of silence, I've finally felt God's presence and Him moving in me again tonight. It is strange how He makes it to where I physically cannot make myself do anything but fall on my knees before Him. This is what He does when He wants to grab my attention and to shake up my life when I've become too comfortable.
I literally could not even bring myself to paint... which is, ya know, a pretty huge deal. So I fell to my knees clinging to my prayer mat for support under the weight of His impending presence, and soaking up the warmth of my candles in my cold, empty house. For a long time, I just sat... and then I asked asked God to MOVE ME again. I cried to Him in broken desperateness to pull me into His presence.
At first, I didn't feel anything, or hear anything. Then, He told me in that small, soft voice, to read the paper I had written over a year and a half ago about St. Francis of Assisi for my Church History class. Studying how Francis lived his life in response to Christ and his love is what completely shook and changed my world back then. God showed me how we are to live our lives, dedicating our whole selves to Him, through studying this man. He was an aesthetic, who slept in caves and under trees, was humble, every action of his was disciplined, and he strove to imitate the life of Christ and to get rid of anything that hindered him from living a holy life, whether it be material possessions, physical comforts, or human relationships. Reading back through it, I felt that fire starting to swell up inside of me again.
This time, I pray He magnifies that passion ten-fold, though I know I cannot even fathom all that it will require of me this time. No matter, though, for to live is Christ, and to die is gain. Create in me a new heart, O God...
Just three days ago, we started reading through the New Testament in 30 days together as a church. I eagerly jumped in, because I knew that for so long I had been out of the habit of reading Scripture consistently, which I fully believe is a huge part of my distance from God lately. Up to this point in the reading, I hadn't felt Him speaking to me, though I've been keeping up with the reading, and praying that He would speak to me through it. I felt like there was some mental barrier that I just could not seem to break down. I have been so desperate to feel His presence again, and have prayed over and over again for Him to DO SOMETHING in my heart.
Tonight he finally broke the barrier and pulled me back into His arms. It feels so incredibly wonderful to just sit here, in His presence, finally able to feel Him holding me again. (I am not saying He ever left me, but that because of a lack of discipline, etc. on my part, I was distanced from Him, in my own heart.)
I feel closest to Go under pretty intense disciplines, which is why brushing up on my knowledge of St Francis helped me so much, because I remember the disciplines that I began to instill in my life after researching this man, and how much closer they brought me to Him. I firmly believe that people are convicted in different areas, and that disciplines vary depending on the individual. A few of the disciplines that draw me closer to God are: fasting, prayer, meditation & contemplation, sleeping on a mat, a restricted diet, simplicity, and the denial of comforts and pleasures. Again, disciplines are unique to each individual, and must be chosen through prayer. Most of these disciplines, I have neglected over the course of the past few months, and it has definitely affected me.
To follow Christ involves so much more than most of us care to admit. Lazy Christianity APPALLS me, but I will be the first to admit that in recent months, I've been a lazy Christian. Tonight, that changes.
Lord,
Lead me where you will; develop, mold, and break me
in order to glorify You. Here am I, Lord. Make me sensitive
to Your Spirit.
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