replanning & staying flexible...

   Assessing the current

situation in Congo, & 

reflecting on our longterm

goals, etc. 

we have decided to proceed 

with the Empower training

with local Congolese leaders. 

They will now be held in 

a village in Rwanda, very 

close to the Congo border. 

Our entire team will be 

trained in the trauma therapy

program alongside the leaders

on the ground. This training 

is so important:

1. We will in turn be able to 

train other local leaders in

other villages and countries,

and

2. It will serve as a beautiful 

time to spend time building 

stronger relationships with our 

partners on the ground. 

    We will be in Kigali, Rwanda

for a couple of days before the 

training, where we will be 

relying on the Spirit to guide us on 

how we can best serve in that

area.  

    The weekend after the training, 

we hope that tensions will have 

significantly decreased, and that we

will be able to go into Congo for a 

day to do the workshops with the 

boys at the Peace Lives Center

(where the boys have either

escaped or been rescued from the 

LRA), and with the girls at the
Dina Center (where 75% of the girls

have been raped in the wars). 

   The key is to be flexible, and to 

listen to the Spirit's leading. 

Everything about this trip has 

been/is crazy, but we will take it

one day at a time, and be ever 

ready to be used for His glory. 

   Thank you for praying with us 

and for us. 

   Much love, 

                     M


In case you missed previous updates, thoughts, etc. about the trip:  
 

 http://thoughtsrecordedinanoldjournal.blogspot.com/2012/04/update.html

 http://thoughtsrecordedinanoldjournal.blogspot.com/2012/04/congo-chronicles-gearing-up.html


http://thoughtsrecordedinanoldjournal.blogspot.com/2012/04/congo-chronicles-gearing-up-part-2.html

Singing in the shower...

  Some days

you just
       have to
hop in the
   shower

&
  sing
    old hymns

and weep...
 
   and weep
 & sing
       hymns.

    It's good
        for
     the soul.

An update...

   We received word this morning that in light of the order of 

Bosco's (a rebel warlord indicted by the ICC) arrest and the tensions that 

have risen as a result, any attempt of ours to cross the border into Congo 

would be viewed as an act in affiliation with the rebels, and therefore 

highly dangerous.  The UN has advised us heavily to wait to go into Congo 

until the tensions have decreased. 

We are all heartbroken to have to agree to wait to go into Congo, 

and are currently trying to decide the best plan of action from here. 

    There are many aspects to consider from many different angles and situations.  

There is talk of going into Uganda instead, to work with the children 

at Village of Hope, Children of Peace, etc.  

The letters we gathered are from the children at these centers.  

It would be incredible to put names & stories to faces & voices! 

There is also talk of having the training in Rwanda instead, so we can be trained

in the EMPOWER program along side the local leaders. Everything is 

up in the air right now, and we are waiting to hear the final verdict.  

This morning I am reflecting on and reminding myself that this situation

 is bigger than we are, and God is bigger than all of it.  

He has everything under control, and we merely need to trust Him. 

Nothing, however, will shake the fear of the pain

my heart will experience should we have to postpone the trip 

once again.  

free.

I feel 

    freedom... 

from 

   the burden

of 

  responsibility

I'd chosen

      to carry...

A weight

    is lifted...

My soul 

   feels 

     refreshed...

free

  

      from the 

ever looming

    presence

that had

    taken 

       residency

in my 

   heart...

that 

   icy chill

that had

     begun

to creep 

   into

      my

inmost

    being... 

I am 

      free.

 

the pain pride brings...

I miss you... 

     our talks,

the comfort

       of just

being 

    in the same

building

     as you, 

 even as 

    we did

our own

        things.  

It physically 

      pains me

that 

   we are not

speaking... 

  just days 

before 

     I leave

to face 

   dangers, 

the magnitude 

     of which 

not even 

       you 

realize... 

   all because

of your silly

     pride. 

   It takes

       every ounce

of energy

         I possess

to keep from 

    calling you, 

texting you, 

   or 

    walking to

             you...

What good 

     would it 

do 

  anyway?

Harsh words

      spoken,

tantrums 

     thrown, 

& 

    silence... 

all from 

    a casual

observation, 

   intended

partly in 

       jest

&

     partly

to really 

    open up

to you... 

         I thought

we had 

    become

close enough

             friends

      to open 

        up

 to each 

     other, 

to be 

    honest

& expect

    to be 

 heard, 

     rather

than 

    having 

 it thrown

    back in 

one's face

   and 

      being

ignored... 

   and for 

what? 

Yes, 

   I still 

love you

  & 

yes, I 

    still want

to stay 

   up all 

night

   

 talking 

         about

everything

      &

        nothing... 

but

   I refuse

to give in

 to

such 

   childish 

 antics

     &

    apologize

when 

      I 

     have 

done 

     nothing 

wrong... 

unless

  

  you 

     consider

unconditional 

         love

a vice... 

          or

 honesty

    & 

openness 

  a 

     fault.

 

God, melt this heart of stone...

How did I 

   get here? 

To a place

    where

I have become

  impatient, 

& almost cold

  towards

        others? 

While there 

  is no 

excuse for

   such 

a thing, 

 I am able 

    to trace

the steps 

  that 

 brought 

     me here... 

I feel as 

     though

 I am 

     learning

how to 

  interact 

      with people 

all over 

   again... 

I am a 

     people 

person, 

   I am 

      energized 

 by interacting

    with people... 

By nature, 

   I am 

a very 

    compassionate

& loving person... 

  One who 

      loves to 

listen

  to what 

         others 

have to 

   say... 

However, 

   after Africa

was placed

       on my 

heart, 

   and I 

 became more

      and more 

involved 

        and 

           aware, 

It became 

     difficult

to even 

       function

or interact

   with 

      people

who couldn't 

    even 

      fathom

the things 

  I had come

 to know

 or those 

    that 

could not 

     conceive of 

a world

    outside 

their

   own... 

 This 

    distanced 

me from 

    people,

and 

   over time, 

   

my patience

      in dealing

with such

        people

diminished... 

         I have

  an impeccable

 ability

     to

   discern 

        people's 

character, 

   their hangups, 

etc. 

    it is

       both 

a blessing

  and 

    a curse...

       Over time, 

 it has 

    caused

me 

    to completely 

write people 

off, 

 [subconsciously]

instead of 

     choosing

to invest 

    time

in them... 

   I talked 

       to my 

mom 

   about 

this, 

    and she 

said, 

    "that is 

   also 

common

       when 

you are 

   forced to 

deal 

   with certain

kinds of 

      people"...

Thankfully, 

    a friend

of mine

     had the 

courage 

    to mention

this to

     me, 

and that 

   by God's 

grace, 

  I was able 

to hear 

    her

& be 

    receptive 

 to it

and see 

     the need 

 for 

   change. 

   I am 

not that 

     person... 

Everyone

   is unique

& valuable;

everyone you 

       meet

has something

       to teach you;

and everyone

     needs 

to feel 

       validated. 

Christ knows

   the 

     character

of every man

   and yet

he loves

      every man

unconditionally

       &

      equally... 

   How dare

I do 

   anything 

          less, 

as I am 

      just as 

 flawed

     as the 

next person? 

 God, 

    forgive me

for 

   not loving

the way 

      I should.

Fill me

   with 

your love

     until

I am 

   overflowing

with 

   kindness, 

         compassion, 

patience, 

          forgiveness, 

  understanding,

peace, 

     and joy.  

May they 

     know

you 

   through

your love

     in me. 

           Amen.  

   

The Congo Chronicles : Gearing Up [Part 2]

      As the day 

         of our departure

draws closer & closer 

[10 days!],

and we get more word of

the ever escalating 

violence 

& the risks involved,

    I am again forced

 to contemplate 

death. 

    I do not dare 

tell my family how 

dangerous this trip 

actually is... 

      Today, 

 I confided in a friend 

who lives in another state 

               [too far to come try to 

physically stop me from going]. 

    He, of course, voiced his 

concern... 

        "I would be heartbroken

if something happened 

to you..." 

    I've heard that a lot lately... 

It is a sweet sentiment, 

I suppose,

but then again, 

I must pose the question: 

      "So then, would you rather 

I not follow my dreams, 

   for safety's sake? 

Because it's "too risky"? 

   In order to do anything

worthwhile 

            in this world, 

you must not only just 

be "willing" 

to take risks, 

but

to actually make that leap

               into the unknown,

though it be riddled with 

risks, dangers, 

& doubt.

     Being a dreamer 

is great-

   we need more 

dreamers...

but 

if you never get out of 

your head 

and actually DO

something, 

what use is it, 

other than a pleasant 

pastime? 

   Regardless of what happens, 

I am at peace in my heart. 

         I am at peace with death.

I can confidently say 

   that I have had a full, 

adventurous, well-lived life, 

  and therefore

see no sadness in death-

   only peace and fulfillment. 

   Sadness, to me, would be 

to not pursue my dreams

& passions,  

    & settle

into that which is 

  comfortable, reliable, 

          & safe. 

THAT would be 

a death

most tragic indeed. 

 

   My hope is that my 

family & friends

  can understand this, 

and 

   in the event that

something did happen 

to me, 

   they celebrate the life

I lived & the new life that
I will have obtained,

   rather than

mourn

  my temporary absence

from them. 

         All that to say- 

there is no need

   for worry.

What can worry

           accomplish,

other than wrecking 

oneself

    emotionally?
 

Instead, 

   celebrate with me

a dream fulfilled

& the opportunities

that wait 

for me

upon
my return.  

The Congo Chronicles : Gearing Up

                April 1st, 2012     

12:07am     

     For some reason, I feel as though I just told my family goodbye for the last time... My uncle pulled me aside after dinner to tell me that he did not have a good feeling about the trip. Of course, he know it was pointless to tell me not to go [like it was pointless for me to tell him not to worry], but wanted to voice his opinion... I could see the concern in his eyes... such a look, a deep concern, which I'd never seen pointed in my direction before...

     "You shouldn't go..." a friend says, after recounting the story.

"Oh I absolutely should go," I say, "I know it, Jade knows it, mom knows it, and he knows it... Congo will shape the rest of my life, one way or the other." 

      "I know it too..." he says, "Death comes to all of us. Why should you not follow your dream because of fear? If you die, die well." 

     This week has been a strange one... nightmares have disrupted my sleeping pattern, hunger has weakened & humbled me, and an overwhelming looming feeling that I don't even know how to begin to describe... subconsciously, my mindset has shifted to that of a person who has been told that they have only a month to live... I am at peace at the thought of death- I welcome it even... but this new perspective is the strangest feeling I've ever known... subconsciously, I think, "If I die, what would I want this person to know? Who would I want to leave my books, journals, paintings..." 

      When I try to look ahead to the months after Congo, it is blank, void... I've been attempting to process all these things, and I have come to the conclusion that it is one of two things: either I will die in Congo [for whatever greater purpose], with which I am completely at peace with (although the least likely), OR my entire future hinges on my time in Congo, and that is the reason I am unable to see or plan past Congo... it will not be a physical death, but a death to self, to whatever bigger work God has for me to do in the future, to everything I've ever known...

       Looking back, I can see that the past has prepared me for & built up to this moment, and my future depends on it... I will go forward, fearless of what is to come, yet knowing full well the dangers and uncertainty that lies ahead.  

______________________________________________________________   April 2nd, 2012

                                                                                                                                              

      How do you prepare for the unknown? I feel everything... I hadn't let myself get my hopes up too early, as I know all too well that anything can happen, and something might cause us not to be able to go... Then I looked up one day, and we were two and a half weeks away from the day we leave! 

      Plane tickets are booked & paid for, visas obtained, and despite cholera outbreaks, grenades, and outbreaks of violence, we have the green light to go. 

      I think it started sinking in last week when I started having vivid dreams of the boys, and of Kony... then the visas arrived two days ago... that is when it hit me and everything suddenly became very real... then last night, where my uncle gave me strong warnings, and my mom told me that no matter what happens, she knows Congo is where I am supposed to be, and confirming that talking everything through with my brother to prepare him for anything would indeed be wise... us both choking back tears as we said goodbye... then worshiping with my church family this morning in reckless abandonment, with so many emotions going through my mind, and that looming feeling that something huge is about to take place... so much to process in just a short period of time.

      I was forever changed after spending a week in Haiti two years ago, and I'd had not a clue what I was getting myself into, and was in a very safe environment with the group I went with. That trip just kinda happened... though I am sure that it was a huge part in preparing me for this trip, which will be an entirely different experience.  I feel that my life has up to this point has been building up to this moment in time. I very much know the context into which I am about to find myself, and at the same time know that I will never be fully prepared for what I am about to experience, or the things I am about to see [regardless of how much I tell myself or my family that I am]... 

     I know how difficult it was for me to come back from Haiti, though I was forced to quickly jump into the role of camp counselor the day after I got back to the states and had little time to process what I had just experienced... I imagine this will be infinitely magnified, as I have been waiting, praying, and preparing for this opportunity for years, and have dedicated myself for so long to these children... 

    I cannot wait to learn what they have to teach me, and hope that I can in some small way bless them... I cannot wait to put names to faces and look into their beautiful eyes and hear how God has blessed them through their heartaches and pains... I cannot wait to bring their stories back and to bring their voices here through art & writing... I cannot wait to see what the blank slate that is after Congo brings... 

God, 

 your will 

   for my life...

 teach me 

& develop me 

           how you will 

and 

use me 

for your glory.    

_________________________________________________________  April 3rd, 2012          

    

       I cannot even begin to recount all the ways 

God has provided for and blessed me in the past few weeks... 

I've gone from picking through rotten fruit 

                                  to find something to fill my belly with, 

to an overabundance of food given me by friends and family... 

from being unsure how I was going to be able to pay my bills 

                                                                                   on time, 

to having just enough, just in time... 

from being unsure where the remaining funds for my trip 

                                                                  would come from, 

to having all of it covered by an anonymous donor... 

when I got word of this, 

            I immediately broke down & wept uncontrollably... 

tears of gratitude, of humility, and of joy... 

God always provides, 

there has never been any doubt of that

                                              in my mind, but sometimes 

I feel like He is just straight showing off. 

Tonight, I am overcome 

                               by His provision through His people. 

I am emotionally exhausted, 

                                   but in such a sweet, wonderful way. 

He has never failed me, 

                            and continues to carry me, teach me, 

and mold me...